attitude

It sucks having someone tell you your attitude sucks.  It's sucks more when they are right and your attitude is bad.  So my attitude needs some improving; this should be a quick and easy fix!  Ya right.... I am finding this season of life to be very dry.  I know what it means to be happy, and I know I'm not sad or upset but my spirit is out of balance.  It's kinda like when you load a top load washing machine and put to much stuff on one side.  When the washer gets to the spin cycle it makes a lot of noise and bounces around.  The machine is doing nothing wrong, it's just been loaded incorrectly.  The loader of the machine did not take enough time of get the clothes put in balance.  So when the machine is jerking around and sounding like it's going to explode the user will stop it and make an adjustment.  If this is done right all is fixed, the machine returns to normal function and completes its job.  I can't believe I just used a washing machine as a reference for my spirit!  I hope it makes sense to anyone reading this.  A side note, I use a LG front loader machine and love it!

So now I am at the place where I need to stop the machine of me and reload.  I do know why I am out of balance I have let things become more important then they should be.  I have added to much, work, worry and other things that are distractions. I have forgot to add it what's important, prayer, praise and leaning more about my Savior.  So here I am out of balance, with a tired and dry spirit.

I originally wrote the part above on 7/15/11 and never posted it.  For some reason I could not bring myself to post it.  Today I was again reminded that the junk in my life can get in the way.  My attitude can take a fast nose dive because I forget what is truly important.  I again am at a place where co-workers are telling me my attitude sucks.  For a person who places much value on what others think it's tough to hear.  It's funny how something at work can really effect your outlook on life.  I struggle to remember what is important and what is only temporary.

I struggle to write this; for some reason this is the hardest post I have ever written.  I know my enemy wants to see me frustrated and hurting, because that's when I am at my weakest and most ineffective.  My thoughts become dominated by frustration and anger and I forget about the good stuff in my life.  So today what started as a rough day at work with some time spent in the boss's office has got me thinking and working on how to be happier.  I know this will not be a fast process and there are no quick fixes on how to be happy and forget the junk.  I know that I serve a God who is far bigger then any of my problems and it's His desire that I turn my troubles over to Him.  My prayer for today is:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; Taking as He did this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.  Amen!

If I find a quick fix for attitudes I will let ya know.  For now I continue to learn and grow   ~ Rick

80 kids

I have learned something new, I am a very self centered person....its all about me.  So how did I come to this life changing realization?  Well, here goes....I try to spend 1 weekend a month volunteering my time at church running the sound board.  So this was my weekend.  As I started the weekend I prayed that God would honor my serving him.  I prayed that He would be blessed by my service.  I went as far as praying faith with out works is dead....see God my faith is still alive, I am working for you!  Yup I prayed that.

So yesterday I began my weekend at church.  I would be there for 1 rehearsal and 5 services.  During the rehearsal I starting feeling that my prayer the night before might have missed the mark.  The first service was great went very smooth (always very important when running sound).  During the second service my feelings and attitude really changed.  What was the reason for the change?  80 kids.   This weekend the kids choir was leading worship.  As I watched and listened to these small children sing worship songs I hit me, to enter into heaven I must become like them.  These kids are a perfect reflection of what God wants from me.  Matthew 18:3 "I tell you the truth unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven"  NIV.  

As I watched the kids I was struck by how pure their worship was.  They were told they were singing to God and they did just that they sang out.  As the kids sang there were hand movements, when they raised there hands in worship it hit me, it looks like 80 small kids asking to be picked up by there parents.  I felt inside myself....YES, that is exactly what it is, a child reaching out for his or her parent.  I think this is what God sees when we raise our hands in worship.  His kids asking for his attention, wanting to be picked up.

By the 5th service I had come to know that I had told God I was working for him and he should be happy with my service.  When the truth is God does not need me, I was at church this weekend because he wanted to teach me, He had a lesson He wanted me to learn, a opportunity for spiritual growth.  I think I got the lesson, trust in God as a child trust's its parent.  I can take Ananda and put her on a table and tell her to jump into my arms and she will do it trusting that I will catch her, she has total faith in me.  God wants that from his me.  When Ananda is hurting she cries out for me and Melissa, knowing we will come and meet her need.  God wants this from me.  When Ananda gets excited she dances with joy and sings out, God wants this from me.  So at 40 I guess I need to become more like a child.  The 80 kids this weekend blessed me in ways they will never know.  I hope we will do more kids choirs at church, there might a another lesson to learn.

~Rick    as always feel free to comment

ITS COMING!!!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!  the countdown has begun, 34 days and counting.  I love the Christmas / holiday season! I am not sure when we officially enter the "holiday season" but its here for sure.  I looked out my window at work and today for the first time this year I see the holiday star thingy the city hangs on the street lights.  So the holidays are upon us, its the magical time of year that for me ramps up to Christmas.  On my drive home tonight I gave in and started listening to Christmas tunes.  I figured if the city was ready to say its Christmas time who am I to deny it.  I do have to admit that about a month ago I spent a day listening to Christmas tunes at work.  I kept the iPod dock volume very low to not get caught by a coworker, but the guy who lives in the office next to mine busted me with a "is that Christmas music?!?"  Sucks being caught when your doing something weird.

This time of year is so special, I love the Christmas trees, gifts, lights and all the other stuff that goes into Christmas.  I love singing along to Christmas music who doesn't like White Christmas by Bing Crosby?  Its a classic!  My love for this season goes much deeper though.  I remember all the Christmas's that have past.  I remember the Christmas tree's that were so carefully decorated and all wrapped presents under the tree.  I can remember the smell of the tree and the food my mother was cooking.  What other time of year do people make candy and give it away as gifts.  How could you not love that!  I remember the people that we would spent time with at Christmas.  It was the one time of the year when I would see all of my family.

Its funny when I think back I don't remember what the gifts were just that there were a lot of them.  My family has always made a big deal out of Christmas.  In thinking back I can remember my parents watching me and m little brother as we unwrapped our gifts.  There was always a look of pride and love on their faces.  When my kids came along I learned what my parents were feeling, it's so cool to watch your kids unwrap gifts!  I wonder if this is what God feels when people "unwrap" the gift of salvation.

This season is about so much more then the trees, lights and gifts it's about the birth of Immanuel "God with us".  This is the reason for Christmas to celebrate the birth of a Savior.  The greatest gift my parents gave me was to teach me about Jesus.  My parents ave lived their lives showing me what it means to follow God.  I love the fact that I come from a strong christian home.  I hope my kids see this in me.  I want my kids to see me living my faith.  I hope my kids see me when I pray and hear when I worship, I hope they know how much I love my creator.

I am so excited the holidays are here and once again I will be with my family and get to enjoy the Christmas tree and music.  Presents will be given and received the house will be decorated and once again I will attempt to make Christmas candy.  So far I have had no success with this, but I will try again it's Christmas how could I not.  I hope everyone enjoys this season and remembers what it's all about.

    ~Rick

Deep....

I have yet to figure out what it is that get me thinking about things.  It's like there is a switch in my brain that gets flipped on and my mind is off to the races.  I can spend hours thinking about the weirdest stuff and not know why I started thinking about it.  I hope this happens to everyone and I'm not a nut job.  Today's thought started about work and pondering if I really am happy doing what I do.  The thought grew as I let it expand until it became:  Am I doing what I was created to do?

It's funny that a thought that started as, am I happy doing this job became the deepest spiritual thought that I have ever had.  I don't know if I can ever really answer my question at least not on this side of heaven.  I am guessing the answer I seek can only be given to me by the one who created me.  This is the part where I am happy to say that I was created by a loving God who knows my name and is a part of every aspect of my life.  There is no place I can go where He is not.  But I will admit I have attempted to hide from my creator on several occasions.  It has never worked....

As far as the job thing, I am not sure it really matters if I am super happy doing what I do, it's just a job and since this life is temporary I guess it will do for now.  I do also know this I don't care if my headstone says I was a hard worker; I am striving for good husband and father.

So how do I find out or figure out if I am being what I was created to be?  I pray...I do wish God would just send me a letter or email that says what He wants from me.  It sure would make things easier!  I don't think God's plan is to make my life easier, I think he wants me to struggle some with the tough questions.  So my prayer has changed into a daily reminder that God created me and I am his to do with as He wishes.  I think I am learning that it's not for me to know if I am being what God created me to be, but to be willing to follow where ever he leads.  So I guess it's ok to not know all the answers....just be ready and willing to follow.

~Rick

40 years of living

Today I celebrate 40 years of life.  Not sure where all that time went, but it's gone.  I decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to take my birthday off and spend the day going to places where I have a lot of memories.  So that's what I have been up to today.  I have been all over the Salem and Keizer areas looking at the places that hold so many dear memories.

I started this life at Salem General Hospital on Center St in Salem.  It's great that where I took my first breath is now part of the state mental hospital.  I find this kinda funny....  I drove around and looked at the schools I attended and let my mind get lost in the memories of days long gone.  I remembered friends and teachers, playing on the playground and skipping school in high school (best 4 1/2 years of my life) the skipping did come with a cost!  :)  

I went and looked at the houses of grand parents, aunts & uncles.  I saw the houses where we would get together as a family, share meals and good times.  I went to the house where I learned to ride a bike.  I remember my aunt baking in the kitchen and us kids playing in the yard.  At each stop I would say a prayer of thanks for the people who God put in my life, the people who made me who I am.

My next stop was at another house, this one is the home of my God Parents also a aunt and uncle.  I remember playing in the big back yard and many holidays spent in this house.  I remember my cousin Donald taking me for rides on his motorcycle in a field close to the house.  In this house I played Atari 2600 and had a blast with my cousins.  This was also the place where the family gathered after the passing of my Grand Father.  There are many great memories in this home, a few sad ones, it's a place where life has been lived.

I stopped by the places that are special to me because of the ties to me and Melissa.  I stopped by the state capitol where we would walk around the park.  It was here where we held hands for the first time (it was our fifth date).  I stopped by Toy's R Us, the place I met Melissa.  Yup all the magic started at Toy's R Us!!  I spent some time at Corbin College which was Western Baptist College when I was dating one of it's students.  There are many good memories if this place.  I spent some time at Salem Alliance Church.  I grew up in this church, 35 years and counting.  In this church I was baptized with my mom, married to Melissa and my kids were dedicated to God.  This church has been my church home, the men who have been it's pastor's are some of my spiritual hero's.  Thanks to men of faith, who have taught me about Jesus and prayed with me in the times I needed prayer.

As I continued my trek it became very clear to me that this journey was not about seeing homes or places but was about remembering and honoring people.  I am who I am today because a group of people loved me.  They gave me guidance, wisdom and encouraged me along the way.  Today I am me because they were each a piece of the fabric I am made from.  With this in mind my trek took on a whole new significance, the new goal was to go to the places and give thanks.  To say a blessing for the people attached to the place.  The emotions was overwhelming each place lead me to another, there was no way I could get to every place or remember every person.  I decided to grab some lunch and make a plan.  So with my bacon double cheese burger from Five Guys, I planned out where to go next.  Not to go off topic but that burger was amazing!!

I spent some time in front of Salem Hospital.  This place has a few memories, both my kids were born here.  This also is the place I would spend 18 days a year ago getting my guts re-engineered.  It is because of the doctors and nurses that work in this place that I am still alive.  I gave thanks for them, I prayed for the hospital and the people in it.  I thanked God for my children!  I will never forget the two times I would go into a O.R. and come out with a child.  My kids are my life, I prayed God would give me wisdom to be the father they need and deserve.

I spent some time in a few other places and gave thanks for many people.  In total I stopped at about 20 places and allowed myself some grace to know it was not possible to go to every place.  In the end I would stop at Restlawn Cemetery where I placed roses on the graves of the family who have passed.  I thanked God for them, and that I would see them again.  This separation is only temporary.  I am happy I come from a long line of Christians.  My faith in part was learned from these people.

Rick

The table

It's funny how you can do things over and over again with out giving them much thought then for some reason you actually think about what your doing and it hits you how cool it is.  Tonight I was up at my parents house where we enjoyed dinner as a family.  For the past 35 years we have done this and I have given it little thought, but something tonight was different I had one of those deep moments where I thought about what was happening.

To say my mom enjoys cooking would be an understatement, mom loves cooking and loves even more entertaining people.  A meal at mom's is always big, lots of different foods and the table must be set just so.  Tonight we all dished up our food and sat around the table eating.  Our family eating together is a normal thing we do it all the time, almost once a week we gather together and share a meal.  Tonight I reflected on what has changed and what has stayed the same.  Over the past 35 years who is at the table has changed the Great Grand Parents and Grand Parents have passed, but we have welcomed some new people to the table.

Melissa joined the family 20 years ago and claimed her spot at the table.  Vince came along 16 years ago and Ananda joined the fun 3 years ago.  Tonight was Ananda's first night at the table with out a high chair or booster seat, she thinks "big" kids don't need them. Both my kids have there places.  I do miss the people that are no longer at the table, I miss hearing them talk as they eat and listening to the conversation.  There will always be an empty place at the table for them, I know I will see them again and I hope we share another meal.

This old table has been the place for several great conversations.  There is no better place to talk then at a table filled with food.  The table has heard many great debates, when I was young and looking to spark a debate all I had to do was tell dad that I thought big corporate farms were good for America, or that the democrats had the right idea.  Yup good times!!  Not sure how many of the debates I won, but it was a good time.

Tonight the Garner clan was together, 3 generations all 7 of us around the table, nothing special or different, just together for a meal.  After deeper reflection I take back the nothing special comment, it is special, while its normal for my family its very different from our culture.  In an age when we hurry through life and don't take the time we should as a family I love the fact my family spends so much time together sharing meals.  I know that as the years go by who is at the table will change, it's a part of life.  I hope as the characters change the love never fades.  My challenge to anyone who reads this silly blog....spend time with your family, share meals together, it strengthens the family.

As I write this the table is cleared off all the food put away, the chairs are pushed in the center piece is still there but everything else is removed.  The table waits for the next time we gather together as a family and spend time together around it.  I hope it's not too long until we share another meal and spend this precious time together.   ~Rick

    

20 years

Wow, what a journey it has been !  I can't believe that Melissa and myself have been married for 20 years.  July 20th 1991 what a day!  I remember the fear like it was yesterday!  As the church (Salem Alliance) filled up with family and friends I keep thinking, what the hell are you doing here?!?  Then the pastor, Morris Dirks my high school pastor and good friend tapped me on the shoulder and said it's time for us to go up front and get this show on the road.  Now the fear was really growing, my hands were shaking, mouth was dry and I thought I was going to explode.

After a few minutes my bride appeared at the back of the room, and with her father made her way down the isle.  Then 17 minutes later after saying some words or something we were husband and wife.  People stood, clapped and tossed stuff at us and wished us well.

During our premarital counseling Pastor Dirks gave us some great advise.  The one thing that to this day stands out to me was when he asked me how long I thought it would take for me to be disappointed with my wife.  I told him it might be months, or weeks but it would take some time.  Rick with in the first 24 hours you will be disappointed, you will find things you don't like, there will be things that make you mad, or hurt.  He gave Melissa even less time...Morris had been my pastor for along time and knew me well.  His great wisdom... love is a verb, an action word not a feeling.  Feelings come and go they change with the wind, but true love is a choice.  Pastor Dirks told us both we daily would need to choose to love each other, even if we didn't really like each other.

So after 2 decades and some counseling along the way, we are still together.  We still choose daily to remain faithful to each other and to honor our commitment.  So it was fitting that we "celebrated" our 20 year anniversary working at a camp, doing a ministry.  I believe with all my heart that when I took Melissa as my bride I did it not only in front of friends and family but also in the presence of the living God in his throne room.  So with that in mind it was only fitting to be working for God on our anniversary.

So far with 20 years behind us we have created two great kids.  Vincent Joseph 16 a junior at West Salem High and Ananda Kaylee 3 (daddy's princess).    I love these kids more then anything, they are my world!  I am so appreciative that I get to raise these kids, I know they belong to God and my time with them is borrowed and a gift.  I had Psalms 127:3 tattooed on my right arm so I would never forget it:  Son's are a heritage from the Lord, children are a gift from him.  I hope I am the dad they need and deserve.

I just did the math I have been married to Melissa for 7311 days or 175,464 hours give or take a few.  It's been a long, hard journey so far.  Marriage is not an easy thing, and it's not for sissy's!  I hope we have many years ahead of us as we continue to grow together and try to become what the other wants and needs. I pray some day I will be the husband my wife deserves.      ~Rick